Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Ode to a Phone

I hate my cell phone. Well not just mine, it's not personal. I hate all cell phones. Phones in general in fact. As Miss Manner's has said; "The phone is the rudest invention ever."

One goal in life for me is to not have to have one. To me that's a sign of success. Really if you are very important, people just can't call you when ever they feel like it. Obama is not standing at the podium and going; " We're coming together because we believe in what...hold on, that's mine, just a second, yeah, no, the pancake mix is in the bottom drawer."

Phones are rude, and no invention in the history of mankind has transmitted more useless information to more people, wasting more time, than the phone. Once standing at the airport in the security line I heard this conversation; "I'm in the line at the airport, it's a long line."

I thought; "Who cares"? I'm in the line, and I don't care that I'm standing there. Who in the world would care that you are standing in line? Is their life so boring and pitiful that you standing in line at the airport is interesting? If it is, you should text them links to a park or a movie, or a good book, not update them on your line status.

So as part of my rebellion against this phone culture we live in I owned a phone that was at least 8 years old. It's main feature was that I could drop it and not care. No Mr Spock in the ear headsets, cameras, or Benny Lava video for me. And belt strap ons? I made Stefania pledge that if I ever strapped a six shooter phone to my belt, she should hit me in the back of the head with a shovel.

I had lots of little pledges like that. I made Jaye, our favorite bartender at Chevy's, pledge that if I ever sat at her bar and made her wait to take my order, she a live person in front of me, so I could talk to someone on the phone, she should pick up a fork and jam it into my forehead.

I loved that phone, because it was an outward symbol of hating phones. My sign to the world that I wasn't going to participate in that silliness. Some people have bumper stickers, I had a ratty old cell phone.

Well, it's dead now. Lost in the vineyard and presumed run over by the tractor. A fitting end. It was sacrificed to the gods of wine. It's terroir now, for ever more part of the 2008 vintage. Probably the finest contribution a phone has ever made to society in my opinion. We'll toast it tonight with a glass of wine. Actually we'd have the glass of wine no matter what, but any excuse works in a pinch.

I think I'll get one of those new iPhones :)

Oh yeah if you call the winery and I don't pick up, it's because I ran over the phone with a tractor. Give me a couple days to get a new one.

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